Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
