he wants to bone in the snuggie
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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