I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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