His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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