3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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