we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
you have to choose: penises or morals?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
