He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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