Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
