ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
please come you make the beer taste better
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
