Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Randomize
