Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
