she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Randomize
