whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
