The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize