It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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