Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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