Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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