Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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