Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
