i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
