I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
