the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
