Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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