I wish I could teleport
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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