This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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