True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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