Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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