I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
