She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
