Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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