did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
