I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
