the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
