why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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