Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
