i just wanna soil my oats bro
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
i drank out of a bidet.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
