From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
