Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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