So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Randomize