you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
