after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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