worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
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