Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
