....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
