Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
