My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
