The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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