were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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