Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
