Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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