Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
