NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
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