I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize
