I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
