Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
