The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
