At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
