I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
