What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
